CELL PHONE FOUND AFTER 30 STRAIGHT MINUTES OF CURSING

While it is currently unknown as to how Eddie Johnson, 24, lost his cell phone in the first place, what is known is that he was not able to locate his phone until he completed a ritualistic 30 minute cursing fit that stressed out his roommates.

Johnson and his roommate, Shelly Peterson, 22, were sitting in their front room watching reruns of Murphy Brown, when Peterson asked Johnson what time it was. And when Johnson reached into his pocket to find his phone to answer the question, all he found was lint.

“I had the phone on me just minutes before. I remember playing Temple Run right before going to the bathroom,” Johnson explained.

While all it took to find the phone was a thirty minute cursing fit, where Johnson threw couch cushions around the room while stomping and yelling like a madman, Johnson didn’t begin the ritual right away.

“At first, he was just calmly looking for it,” Peterson clarified. “He went into the bathroom to make sure he didn’t leave it there. He swiped his hands between the couch cushions. He even checked the area in the kitchen where he always leaves it plugged in, but there was nothing.”

It was at that point, the cursing began.

“It was light, at first,” Peterson continued. “Nothing you couldn’t say on primetime television. But, about five minutes in, he was throwing together some impressive combinations of swear words. Like (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted), and big-dong donkey (expletive deleted).”

It had seemed that the cell phone gods had not been impressed by his meager offering, so Johnson ramped up his cursing.

“By the time he hit 25 minutes in, I was a little scared. I’d never seen him like this before. I had already started looking for the phone myself, but now I was frantic, and cursing myself.”

It would seem that the addition of Peterson’s curse words, along with the length of cursing, was what did the trick.

“It was in the couch cushions the whole time. Which is weird, because I personally witnessed him check the couch six times. On the seventh, viola.”

It is unknown if Johnson contains any more magical powers, but Peterson promises to keep reporters updated.

“If I see him materialize anything else with a string of filth, I’ll let you know.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *