COUPLE ANNOUNCES THEY OWN ENOUGH PARING KNIVES

Betty and Charles Northrup have lived an idyllic life together since they got married three years ago. They are the envy of their friends, who believe that the couple’s life is free from stryfe or problem. Which is why their friends were stunned when the Northrups announced yesterday at 1:45 p.m. that they had a problem.

“We have way too many paring knives,” Charles announced to shocked well-wishers and onlookers at a brunch held at the Northrup home.

When asked for clarification, Charles continued, “We’ve got, like, eight paring knives.”

“We don’t even know what a paring knife is for,” interrupted Betty Northrup. “I mean, do you use them on pears? Why is the sharp edge on the top? They’re just confusing.”

Charles explained to reporters that their unwanted collection started when they got married. “We got two fancy cutlery kits. One was clearly better than the other, but both were nice and both had a paring knife. So, we had two.”

“When we moved, we somehow lost a lot of our silverware, but somehow held on to the paring knives. So we bought another silverware set, and it had one in there,” Betty continued.

“I’m not even sure where half these came from. We’re not going out and buying these things. They just kind of show up,” Charles interjected.

The Northrup’s friends left the party crestfallen.

“I mean, you think someone has the perfect life, then you find out something like this is going on,” Charles’ college buddy Marcos explained. “It’s just…I hope they can get their lives back on track.”

As of print time, there is no word yet on the quantity of their forks.

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