Sarah Underwood has two problems. The first problem is that last night, she was seduced by a goose. The second? She now has the queen of the Olympian gods, Hera, mad at her.

“Look, I don’t normally have sex with waterfowl,” Sarah explained to a reporter. “He was just so charming! Plus, he knows Jake Gyllenhaal. He showed me a bunch of pictures of the two of them on his phone. It’s not like I’m looking for a relationship with him. It was definitely a one-night stand.”

This, however, was cold comfort to the goddess of women, marriage, family, and childbirth.

“He did it again. He said he wasn’t going to do it, then he did it again. And another goose! Where does he keep finding woman who will have sex with a goose,” Hera exclaimed.

While it’s unknown the divine retribution coming Underwood’s way, it is known that the goose was able to pick up Underwood at Big Fish, a dive bar on the corner of Division and Kenwood.

“Big Fish shall know my wrath. Sarah Underwood shall know my wrath. All of humanity will suffer for this indignity,” Hera declared, putting the blame on everyone but the goose.

When reached asked for a statement, the goose simply said “Honk,” followed by an ominous thunderclap.

Jake Gyllenhaal could not be reached for comment.

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