WOMAN CLAIMING TO BE QUEEN OF ENGLAND ISN’T

A woman claiming to be the Queen of England has been haunting the streets of Milwaukee for at least the last three weeks.

Residents of the Brew City have been bombarded as of late with screams of, “Where are my corgis,” “Bloody peasants,” and “Come, Son of Jor-el, kneel before the Queen of England” from alleys, bus stops and alcoves.

“Of course, I’ve heard her screaming about it, but, you know, I try not to judge people. Is she the Queen of England?” One Milwaukee resident asked.

“I’ve never seen the Queen of England, so she might be telling the truth. I just don’t know why she’d be in Milwaukee, let alone wearing urine-covered sweatpants,” another resident was heard to ponder.

It has now been confirmed by authorities that this woman is, in fact, NOT the Queen of England, as she claims.

“I mean, the Queen’s this old broad, and lives in England,” Sergeant Kelly of the Milwaukee Police Department points out. “I’m not sure why anyone is confused. I doubt the Queen of England would be caught dead in any shirt that had the Tasmanian Devil dressed up like Kriss Kross, let alone a filthy one.”

No word yet on who this woman is, but police are cautioning residents to not let her knight them.

“We’re not sure where she got the sword for the ceremony, but there’s no telling what she’ll do with it when you kneel down in front of her,” Sergeant Kelly adds. “If you just use a little bit of common sense, you won’t lose an ear to a crazy cat lady with a scimitar.”

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